Celebrity Treasure Island: A play-by-play breakdown of the new teaser

This story comes from the team at thespinoff.co.nz.

Tara Ward savors every delicious detail of our first look at the new season.

TVNZ just got a sneak peek at the new season of Celebrity Treasure Island, and hang on to your budgie smugglers, it’s GOOD. We already knew about celebs’ favorite chip flavors and song choices, but this trailer teases a season seething with excitement, tears, and anger. It’s a glimpse into a beach paradise, where challenges are fought, alliances are made, and the entire future of competition is handed to Dr. Grace Kwan’s inflatable hanger is hanging.

If the teaser is that good, imagine what the rest of the season will be like. This group of newly minted New Zealand celebrities pokes fun at a Northland beach to win $100,000 for their chosen charity, but they may also have had their best CTI season yet. Let’s dive headfirst into this buffet of reality TV goodness and munch through this masterpiece frame by delicious frame.

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* Ko ngā mōkī pūtaiao pea te tino toa o Celebrity Treasure Island Aotearoa

0:20 Welcome to the White Lotus

Our CTI journey begins with a spooky story about a plane that crashed on a mysterious island and its cargo is lost forever. The story is told by Dr. Joel Rindelaub, the gift of science to reality television, narrates, and the mood is somber and intense. There are crypts and more teeth than one would expect.

0.33 This is not intense

Just three celebrities sitting on a log reading a funny story handwritten with an ancient “pen” in an old-fashioned “notebook.” Live better, celebrities.

0.39 Hosts Bree Tomasel and Matt Chisholm are back

Mom and Dad welcome us back to Dream Beach. Nothing will be known about this search, Matt promises, although they appear to be standing on the same beach as last year. Matt wears a nice tropical shirt.

0.59 Comedian Guy Montgomery declares CTI “pilots over pirates, baby”

It’s that classic battle between sea and sky, hearts and minds, planes and boats. Only one gets to the Koru Club for free, the other has to make friends with parrots and say a lot of “arrr, matey”. Live, laugh, love, the multitude of you.

1.05 Karen O’Leary asks the age old question: “Celebrities?”

Karen O’Leary opens an early can of worms by challenging the concept of “celebrity” and throwing in some devastating finger-air quotes just in case. We all love watching celebrities on the beach, but CTI is full of self-deprecation, eating itself from the inside out by questioning its own relevance before even a single episode has washed up on our shores. Who said reality TV can’t be deep?

1.08 New Zealand celebrity Guy Montgomery also seems to struggle with the term “New Zealand celebrity”.

I mean we get it. Are you actually a New Zealand celebrity if we all went to school with your cousin? If a New Zealand celebrity falls in the forest and no other New Zealand celebrity hears it, does it make any noise at all? It’s a lot of existential angst this early in a three-minute, 15-second gift from the television gods.

1.14 Karen O’Leary makes a shocking announcement

“Celebrities often talk absolute rubbish,” reveals O’Leary. I want to believe her, but she’s a celebrity. Once again, CTI is an enigma wrapped in an enigma that, under Dr. Joel’s mullet is hidden.

1.16 A celebrity talks absolute rubbish

He’s just a celebrity sitting on the beach begging his beans to love him.

1.17 Lynette Forday introduces us to her inflatable coat hanger

The future is amazing. Inflatable hangers? A celebrity who talks trash? Consider this hanger – and my mind – officially blown.

1.21 Courtenay Louise plays her hand early

“From now on I’m going to keep my mouth shut and keep it all to myself,” promises the Shortland Street star. It’s a great tactic, until the curse of the CTI sheepjaw strikes again, and Courtenay and Cassie Roma give us this private, highly confidential moment never seen by the general public.

1.45 “There are some surprises this year”

Unfortunately, the surprise Bree Tomasel is referring to isn’t discovering which cracks the sand gets into on the beach, but our first look at celebrity invaders Mike King, Dame Susan Devoy and Ron Cribb. The trailer features Lynette Forday – aka Grace Kwan of Shortland Street – laughing like New Zealand menopausal women have never laughed before and looking like she’s enjoying a real holiday on a real desert island rather than this hectic one Hellfire from empty hangers and menopause chaos.

2.05 Mike King claims to be the only star in New Zealand

Hold the pirate phone Mike, there must be enough room on this island for all those slightly famous New Zealanders. Is this just another utter rubbish claim, or do we face the truth and watch the world fall in on itself? The Sheep Skull declined to comment.

2.12 Personalities clash

Iyia Liu accuses Lynette Forday of cheating. Maybe it’s during a challenge, maybe Iyia found out that Lynette made someone else blow up her hanger. However, the next few seconds are tense as the contestants crash into each other, Lynette looks annoyed, and Mike King announces, “I’m going to be the bad guy! I don’t care!”, which is exactly what you’d expect from New Zealand’s only celebrity.

2.23 Karen O’Leary is crying and I want to RISE on her behalf

“I just don’t like it when people are unkind to other people,” the Wellington Paranormal star sobs into the camera, and the sooner Matt Chisholm offers his fancy shirt to wipe away her tears, the better.

2.25 dr Joel makes a funny noise

2.27 dr Joel makes a strange noise again

2.29 Bree Tomasel teases the biggest twist in CTI history

If it’s not another round of the classic CTI challenge, Corky Foiny, I’ll stick a pin in Lynette’s hanger and go home.

3.08 Bree and Matt conclude by telling us to “expect the unexpected”

Arrrr, buddy.

Celebrity Treasure Island launches Monday 5th September on TVNZ 2.